Tuesday, December 13, 2016

The Broken Parts


The Broken Parts

Dear Beautiful,

Can you love me wholly, for all my parts?
The parts that you thought were bad, ugly, and broken?
The parts that were never bad, ugly, or broken at all,
but really the most beautiful parts of you?

These are the parts that are the most painful...
but they are part of you and they are gorgeous.
You are gorgeous.

If you love these parts
they may open themselves back to you.
Now they are a bit timid

They are scared to enter the light for fear they will only be shut out again.

Be patient.
Be willing.

Now you are scared of losing your freedom.

When you used to run
it was as if your soul was breaking out of you.
Those broken parts of you, 
the parts you hid away,
could finally inhale the world.
In the breath of Mother Nature, 
they too could breath in your untamed stride.

Beautiful,
don't you see?
That freedom you felt running
came from inside of you.
It is and will always be inside of you.

Whether healing can be physical is still an unknown.
The healing of your soul is always available to you, 
my dear Love,
if you accept the broken parts of you.

If you love me, 
if you accept me,
they scream
we can become Whole.

No automatic alt text available.


Saturday, October 15, 2016

My Trail Towards Healing


My Trail Towards Healing: 

 Running, Just Another Addiction (Part 2)

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers

Some of you may recall an article I wrote for Ultra Running Magazine in November of 2014 entitled Running: Just Another Addiction? where I debated whether running (particularly ultra-running) was a negative or positive addiction.  In the end I summarized that it could be used both ways, but for me and many others who had serious negative addictions in the past, that running was the ultimate expression of life:

So there you have it. Yes, I am addicted to running. And honestly, if I had to quit I probably would go into a slight withdrawal. Still, it is a very different addiction than one that leads to a path of self-destruction. As long as you maintain a strong balance and always refer to your heart for guidance, this addiction is a good thing. This addiction leads to happiness and freedom. My running addiction is an expression of my love of life.


(And if I had to, I suppose I could always take up cycling or some other sport…)
Here I am, nearly 2 years later, forced to answer  the "if I had to".  What happens when one has to let go of running?  
My goal for this blog is not to go too much into the backstory, but focus on my path towards healing.  But I do feel like I have to mention how I got here, especially as ultra running and the ultra mindset continues to grow in our society.

While I never directly said it to anyone besides a close few, most of my friends/blog followers already know. For quite sometime now,  I've been challenged by chronic over-training syndrome.  I' had honestly been in denial for years.  While I still hold my words  in the UR article as true and believe I had good wherewithal, I was too far in by that point.  I don't blame ultra-running for my bodies breakdown.  It was simply the tip of the iceberg to nearly 16 yeas of hurting my body:  starving it, exercising for a ridiculous amount of hours every day, short-cutting sleep, and sending messages to it that stated "you are not good enough".   Finally, my body has called, actually screamed "Stop!  Slow down! Rest!"  but most loudly "I need love!"
For a bit more backstory into this destruction you can check out my last blog: Too Many Mountains
While I have been trying to rest my body for quite sometime now and barely running, I was still working out in some from for 1.5-2 hours a days. It also included hiking 20 14ers this year. My body finally called it quits when I tore my calf muscle, first re-injuring running and then completely tearing it by unclipping from my road bike (my go-to replacement from running). Not having a working calf muscle takes away a whole lot of options for activity, especially as chances of making it worse are quite easy.  
Luckily, this time I got the point.  In a way, tearing my calf  was a relief .  Finally, I have a true reason to just SLOW DOWN.

Before I take you through the positive effects slowing down has had on my body, I do want to briefly touch on the mental struggle of realizing running may no longer be part of my life.
Over the past year, I've been dealing with the fact that I may never be able to run competitively again.  As of yet, there are no stories of people challenged my chronic over-training syndrome coming back.  Plus, my hip issues thus far been un-treatable.  I was able to come to terms with it, knowing I was lucky enough to be able to run...though still skipping the rest period I knew it could benefit from.  Then, this summer I was struck my back pain and then my torn calf.  The thought came to me: what if I can never run again?
....
Here I am, 4 weeks after tearing my calf muscle, not having run a step or getting on my road bike.  And I am content.  Happy.  Sure, I do miss running through the coloring trees, but I can still experience them in a different way.  Even without running, the mountains, the trees, the rivers are still part of me, I am still part of them.  Actually, more than ever before I feel in tune with the changing of the season.

In mind, body, and spirit ,I am healing.   
Just what has rest done for my body?  Here's just a quick peak:
Sleep:  I can finally sleep normally again, going to bed fairly quickly and sleeping soundly.   When I do wake up in the middle of the night, I'm able to fall back to sleep.  With this I have to mention that I was never severely cutting back on sleep, just an 30 min to an hour less than I needed most nights.  
Weight: I had been holding onto extra water weight, mainly appearing in my stomach and cheeks.  It wasn't until I stopped pushing my body that it started to disappear.  Ironically, a fear of mine had been gaining weight if I cut back on exercise.  This is even after I knew the studies that sleep promotes weight loss and having a sister preach the benefits of getting enough sleep for over a year.  (Not to get too science-y,  but this most likely had to do with my cortisol levels returning to normal, making my insulin levels normal, and in turn my body quit it's fat storage survival mechanism.)
Appetite: With this I have to add that my appetite has adjusted some.  I'm still not really sure what is normal for me.  I was craving peanut butter all this week.   Still, there are times when I'm realizing that I'm really not hungry and am able to let the thought of food go.  Other times I still feel like I eat a lot...and I let myself...and I haven't gained any weight.  Here again I proved some solid research to myself: diet and not exercise is the key to weight-loss/health.  Go plants!  (I also recently read an article that stated adding 300-500 calories to your normal caloric intake for a short period when recovering from over-training may help reset your metabolism.)

These things took about a month to normalize (going back to when I first started slowing down prior to my calf tear).   I'm sure there are a lot more things healing internally that I can not yet detect as well.  Then there are a few things that have not yet normalized.  I've experiencing a lot of digestive issues lately.  Part of my assumption is that my stomach is dealing with the toxins released in my body and trying to push them out.  My period is still messed up as well.  Because of my eating disorder, I didn't start my period until age 15.  Since then, I can't remember a period of more than a few months when it was normal...so I understand that it may take a while.
As I start to move into how slowing down has benefited my mental health, I want to seque with a mind/body connection: nearly everyday, I've repeated to myself "I love and accept my body at this very moment.".  It took me quite awhile to really adopt that phrase as truth, but I believe the love and acceptance I have found for myself has been the key to my healing.
As for the mind...
Again, if you read my last blog you know that I was all over the place.  Now however, my mood is stable.  I'd say my baseline is "content/happy".  Even when something bad happens, my mood doesn't sink into despair. I don't even have to do anything to prevent it, it's just natural.  Sure, I still feeling sad and lonely at times, but I just allow it.  I acknowledge my sadness, accept it as a feeling that has the right to be in my mind, and eventually it dissipates.  
Overall, my perspective has shifted from pessimistic (ex. something bad happens to me- it's my fault, the world is ending) to optimistic (ex.  something bad happens- I may have made a mistake, no big deal; It'll be okay and the world will keep spinning).  
In other words, my depression from just a few months ago has just about disappeared.  My anxiety still  likes to poke it's head out  a little more often, but it's not persistent.  My thoughts aren't going in circles and driving me mad. For the first time a few days ago I just sat (read: meditate) with my feelings of anxiety, the feeling of my heart beating fast and the tension in my head.  Once I let those feelings be felt, my head began to clear. Crazy, I know.  (I can't take the credit for all this...nearly all my instructors at Naropa have been preaching acceptance and compassion for the past month and a half.)
Without me pointing everything out, I hope you can start to see the amazing connection between the mind and body.  Spirituality comes into play too...I pray to Mother Nature a lot (which I realized while writing a paper for my Mindfulness class actually means I pray to myself a lot), but this blog post is long enough.  Simply stated, it is not a coincidence that once I started listening to my body (or forced to listen) that my mind began healing too (and vice versa).  I still don't know what my future of running will look like...but I've found peace in that too. 

I still love running, but I found myself with the ability to love myself without the label of "runner".  (I had a school assignment where a partner asked me "Who are you?" for 15 minutes...by 5 minutes, I was really searching1  In the end, it was a beautiful process.)  With that addiction broken, I have opened myself up for a whole new kind of adventure.


What I have found is this:  I am not a runner (label), but I am the expression of freedom the running gives me.


....


A few take away for my runner friends:


-Make sure you take time off each season.  I'd say at least two weeks off running, but a month might be even better.  During that time, don't replace running with heart pounding activities.  In other words, don't go right into spinning and HIT training...you won't be doing yourself any favors!


-Have friends who are not runners, or even endurance athletes.  Personally, my grad school cohort has been a bit of a savior for me.


-If you find yourself out of running because of over-training and/or injury, consider therapy.  Most of us are quick to go to the PT or get a massage but forget about our mental health.  If you have identified as "runner" for years, not running can be a huge loss and leave you questioning "who am I?".  A good therapist can help you maneuver this new path.


-To my surprise, I found a handful of decent articles online when I Googled "chronic over-training syndrome".  They don't all have to do with running, but I still found them to be quite informative (and gets into the science a bit more).


I could write a lot more, but both Sandi and myself, as well as numerous writes and online articles, talk about general over-training so I will skip doing so here.


Finally, here are a few watches/reads I found interesting dealing with chronic injury and overtraining:


Anna Frost, coming back from burnout and injury in 2013:


Sandi, on her comeback from burnout and Achilles surgery:

A 2014 article by Geoff Roes, one of the main people runners think of when hearing "chronic over-training":

Tips and insight from several famous ultra-runners who have come back from injury:

Let your soul shine bright.
(Disclaimer: To let your soul truly shine, it might take some digging through all the "labels" you've buried yourself under.)

Namaste,

Ray

My Trail Towards Healing


My Trail Towards Healing:  Running, Just Another Addiction (Part 2)

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers

Some of you may recall an article I wrote for Ultra Running Magazine in November of 2014 entitled Running: Just Another Addiction? where I debated whether running (particularly ultra-running) was a negative or positive addiction.  In the end I summarized that it could be used both ways, but for me and many others who had serious negative addictions in the past, that running was the ultimate expression of life:

So there you have it. Yes, I am addicted to running. And honestly, if I had to quit I probably would go into a slight withdrawal. Still, it is a very different addiction than one that leads to a path of self-destruction. As long as you maintain a strong balance and always refer to your heart for guidance, this addiction is a good thing. This addiction leads to happiness and freedom. My running addiction is an expression of my love of life.


(And if I had to, I suppose I could always take up cycling or some other sport…)
Here I am, nearly 2 years later, forced to answer  the "if I had to".  What happens when one has to let go of running?  
My goal for this blog is not to go too much into the backstory, but focus on my path towards healing.  But I do feel like I have to mention how I got here, especially as ultra running and the ultra mindset continues to grow in our society.

While I never directly said it to anyone besides a close few, most of my friends/blog followers already know. For quite sometime now,  I've been challenged by chronic over-training syndrome.  I' had honestly been in denial for years.  While I still hold my words  in the UR article as true and believe I had good wherewithal, I was too far in by that point.  I don't blame ultra-running for my bodies breakdown.  It was simply the tip of the iceberg to nearly 16 yeas of hurting my body:  starving it, exercising for a ridiculous amount of hours every day, short-cutting sleep, and sending messages to it that stated "you are not good enough".   Finally, my body has called, actually screamed "Stop!  Slow down! Rest!"  but most loudly "I need love!"
For a bit more backstory into this destruction you can check out my last blog: Too Many Mountains
While I have been trying to rest my body for quite sometime now and barely running, I was still working out in some from for 1.5-2 hours a days. It also included hiking 20 14ers this year. My body finally called it quits when I tore my calf muscle, first re-injuring running and then completely tearing it by unclipping from my road bike (my go-to replacement from running). Not having a working calf muscle takes away a whole lot of options for activity, especially as chances of making it worse are quite easy.  
Luckily, this time I got the point.  In a way, tearing my calf  was a relief .  Finally, I have a true reason to just SLOW DOWN.

Before I take you through the positive effects slowing down has had on my body, I do want to briefly touch on the mental struggle of realizing running may no longer be part of my life.
Over the past year, I've been dealing with the fact that I may never be able to run competitively again.  As of yet, there are no stories of people challenged my chronic over-training syndrome coming back.  Plus, my hip issues thus far been un-treatable.  I was able to come to terms with it, knowing I was lucky enough to be able to run...though still skipping the rest period I knew it could benefit from.  Then, this summer I was struck my back pain and then my torn calf.  The thought came to me: what if I can never run again?
....
Here I am, 4 weeks after tearing my calf muscle, not having run a step or getting on my road bike.  And I am content.  Happy.  Sure, I do miss running through the coloring trees, but I can still experience them in a different way.  Even without running, the mountains, the trees, the rivers are still part of me, I am still part of them.  Actually, more than ever before I feel in tune with the changing of the season.

In mind, body, and spirit ,I am healing.   
Just what has rest done for my body?  Here's just a quick peak:
Sleep:  I can finally sleep normally again, going to bed fairly quickly and sleeping soundly.   When I do wake up in the middle of the night, I'm able to fall back to sleep.  With this I have to mention that I was never severely cutting back on sleep, just an 30 min to an hour less than I needed most nights.  
Weight: I had been holding onto extra water weight, mainly appearing in my stomach and cheeks.  It wasn't until I stopped pushing my body that it started to disappear.  Ironically, a fear of mine had been gaining weight if I cut back on exercise.  This is even after I knew the studies that sleep promotes weight loss and having a sister preach the benefits of getting enough sleep for over a year.  (Not to get too science-y,  but this most likely had to do with my cortisol levels returning to normal, making my insulin levels normal, and in turn my body quit it's fat storage survival mechanism.)
Appetite: With this I have to add that my appetite has adjusted some.  I'm still not really sure what is normal for me.  I was craving peanut butter all this week.   Still, there are times when I'm realizing that I'm really not hungry and am able to let the thought of food go.  Other times I still feel like I eat a lot...and I let myself...and I haven't gained any weight.  Here again I proved some solid research to myself: diet and not exercise is the key to weight-loss/health.  Go plants!  (I also recently read an article that stated adding 300-500 calories to your normal caloric intake for a short period when recovering from over-training may help reset your metabolism.)

These things took about a month to normalize (going back to when I first started slowing down prior to my calf tear).   I'm sure there are a lot more things healing internally that I can not yet detect as well.  Then there are a few things that have not yet normalized.  I've experiencing a lot of digestive issues lately.  Part of my assumption is that my stomach is dealing with the toxins released in my body and trying to push them out.  My period is still messed up as well.  Because of my eating disorder, I didn't start my period until age 15.  Since then, I can't remember a period of more than a few months when it was normal...so I understand that it may take a while.
As I start to move into how slowing down has benefited my mental health, I want to seque with a mind/body connection: nearly everyday, I've repeated to myself "I love and accept my body at this very moment.".  It took me quite awhile to really adopt that phrase as truth, but I believe the love and acceptance I have found for myself has been the key to my healing.
As for the mind...
Again, if you read my last blog you know that I was all over the place.  Now however, my mood is stable.  I'd say my baseline is "content/happy".  Even when something bad happens, my mood doesn't sink into despair. I don't even have to do anything to prevent it, it's just natural.  Sure, I still feeling sad and lonely at times, but I just allow it.  I acknowledge my sadness, accept it as a feeling that has the right to be in my mind, and eventually it dissipates.  
Overall, my perspective has shifted from pessimistic (ex. something bad happens to me- it's my fault, the world is ending) to optimistic (ex.  something bad happens- I may have made a mistake, no big deal; It'll be okay and the world will keep spinning).  
In other words, my depression from just a few months ago has just about disappeared.  My anxiety still  likes to poke it's head out  a little more often, but it's not persistent.  My thoughts aren't going in circles and driving me mad. For the first time a few days ago I just sat (read: meditate) with my feelings of anxiety, the feeling of my heart beating fast and the tension in my head.  Once I let those feelings be felt, my head began to clear. Crazy, I know.  (I can't take the credit for all this...nearly all my instructors at Naropa have been preaching acceptance and compassion for the past month and a half.)
Without me pointing everything out, I hope you can start to see the amazing connection between the mind and body.  Spirituality comes into play too...I pray to Mother Nature a lot (which I realized while writing a paper for my Mindfulness class actually means I pray to myself a lot), but this blog post is long enough.  Simply stated, it is not a coincidence that once I started listening to my body (or forced to listen) that my mind began healing too (and vice versa).  I still don't know what my future of running will look like...but I've found peace in that too. 

I still love running, but I found myself with the ability to love myself without the label of "runner".  (I had a school assignment where a partner asked me "Who are you?" for 15 minutes...by 5 minutes, I was really searching1  In the end, it was a beautiful process.)  With that addiction broken, I have opened myself up for a whole new kind of adventure.


What I have found is this:  I am not a runner (label), but I am the expression of freedom the running gives me.


....


A few take away for my runner friends:


-Make sure you take time off each season.  I'd say at least two weeks off running, but a month might be even better.  During that time, don't replace running with heart pounding activities.  In other words, don't go right into spinning and HIT training...you won't be doing yourself any favors!


-Have friends who are not runners, or even endurance athletes.  Personally, my grad school cohort has been a bit of a savior for me.


-If you find yourself out of running because of over-training and/or injury, consider therapy.  Most of us are quick to go to the PT or get a massage but forget about our mental health.  If you have identified as "runner" for years, not running can be a huge loss and leave you questioning "who am I?".  A good therapist can help you maneuver this new path.


-To my surprise, I found a handful of decent articles online when I Googled "chronic over-training syndrome".  They don't all have to do with running, but I still found them to be quite informative (and gets into the science a bit more).


I could write a lot more, but both Sandi and myself, as well as numerous writes and online articles, talk about general over-training so I will skip doing so here.


Finally, here are a few watches/reads I found interesting dealing with chronic injury and overtraining:


Anna Frost, coming back from burnout and injury in 2013:


Sandi, on her comeback from burnout and Achilles surgery:

A 2014 article by Geoff Roes, one of the main people runners think of when hearing "chronic over-training":

Tips and insight from several famous ultra-runners who have come back from injury:

Let your soul shine bright.
(Disclaimer: To let your soul truly shine, it might take some digging through all the "labels" you've buried yourself under.)

Namaste,

Ray

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Too Many Mountains: A Blog on Depression, Bites, Scars, & Healing

Too Many Mountains: A Blog on Depression, Bites, Scars, & Healing

*Like most of my blogs, this one is quite personal and difficult to write.  However, this one is somewhat "embarassing" as I'm writing about my own struggle with psychological disorders while on the verge of beginning a master's program in clinical mental health counseling.  But, I've always believed that for the most part, the best therapists are ones who have experienced the struggle themselves, though have taken their path to healing.  I figure that I am at least on that path...and have 3 years to get there! (Part of the requirement of the degree includes 30 sessions with a therapist as well).  In the end, I write this in hopes that maybe I can help other's find solace in their struggles, comfort in knowing that they are not the only one, and build the understanding of mental health disorders in society.

(For those who have read Steps to Adventure this is an extension of  Lesson 7)

Part 1: Depression
"Hello my old heart
How have you been
Are you still there inside my chest?
I've been so worried
You've been so still
Barely beating at all"

I have always loved hill/mountain training for running; the physical and mental power struggle to push past the pain and make it to the top of the climb.  But of course, no one can do that every single day without physically, mentally, and emotionally breaking down. Literally, the muscles of the body will deteriorate with out the rest time to rebuild.  Mentally, the workout will no longer be enjoyable and the morning alarm will be a cause of despair rather than enthusiasm for the day and run.  Emotionally, spirits will be broken and negative thoughts of not being strong or fast enough will take hold.  The mind and body can only take so much.

This is equally true for the mountains we face in our lives, the hills we are challenged with on a weekly basis.  Challenges are normal.  They keep us motivated and moving forward.  However, it is a slippery slope when those challenges become stressors that build up amongst themselves and become a mountain of their own. I call this "Too Many Mountains Syndrome".

Anyone, and most people do, can go through a phase of this at one point in their lives, especially those of us who, like myself, suffer from "superwoman" syndrome, thinking she can and should be able to do everything for extended periods.  And do everything with a smile...and then feel guilty when she can't.

Quite obviously, I fell prey (again).

This time through has been "interesting"...interesting in the fact that this time through I was mindful of my depressive and anxious symptoms, even though I was still not able to fully control my emotional reactions or change my negative thought patterns.  (Still, I believe my "mindfulness" was a huge tool in keeping me from falling further in the downward spiral of the disorder).  It was also quite ironic as I read through the text in my prerequisite course, the chapter being on the effect of stress on mental health, and I nearing the breaking point with the build up of stressors in my own life.

As it usually happens, my hills became stress in a gradual buildup as did the symptoms. Finally, it all topped out into a major breakdown of my physical (I actually ended up with severe back pain), mental, emotional, and even spiritual health.


Looking back, I can easily see how the path I was on was not sustainable. 

But my hindsight was not my foresight.  I wilted. My sleep became restless, my body wore down.  My mind never stopped thinking of what I needed to do, what I didn't get done.   Then crept in my old thoughts of unworthiness, then into full blown self-hatred. 

Depression takes on a different form for everyone. but here's how I described mine to a friend:
"...think of a race where you did poorly, where you had the huge expectations for yourself and you didn't even come close. Think of how you felt, how disappointed you were of yourself, how you questioned your abilities, how you felt you failed (maybe you've never had that experience, and if not I'm sorry for the ill example). It feels like that, only I cant shake it off. The feeling of worthlessness grows inside of me until all I feel is a sense of hatred for myself. It is true self-loathing. I don't want to be in my body anymore, I don't want to be myself. It grows and hurts so much until I can't breathe. I panic because I dont know what to do and I cant make the pain stop."

Part 2: Bites 
"Oh, don't leave me here alone
Don't tell me that we've grown
For having loved a little while
Oh, I don't want to be alone
I want to find a home
And I want to share it with you"

Incorporated into my stress was Pacer's own behavioral issues.  And while I rather not talk about the actual event, I will say that I still found profound meaning in the ordeal.  In the view of others, Pacer and I were both outwardly showing negative characteristics.  I was depressed, anxious, and moody while she was fearful-aggressive, and probably too high energy.  Despite this, I loved Pacer just the same and she (from what I can tell) loved me just the same as well.  That doesn't mean I didn't get frustrated with her, but I loved her none the less.  

I know I've talked about unconditional love before in dogs, but I'd like to take it one step further.  You see, while Pacer and I both have our issues, our view of love for each other has always been simple.  She is my dog, therefore I love her.  I am her human, I feed her and taker her for hikes, therefore she loves me.  That's it.  It makes me wonder...how often have I withheld love from a human because of their outward characteristics and personality traits? Anything I perceive as negative may very well be from a significant life circumstance I know nothing about, have emotions they are holding on to for one reason or another, or may only seem negative because of my reflection of it.  Why can't it be "He/She is my fellow human, we are both here to learn our own lessons and carry out our own missions, therefore, I love him/her." As I delve into the world of counseling, this is something I need to learn to be aware of more often, though is also a practice for daily life. 


Part 3: Scars (& Love)
"Hello my old heart
It's been so long
Since I've given you away
And every day I add another stone
To the walls I built around you
To keep you safe"

In the midst of my depression came the final blow, the one that caused me to hit rock bottom.  Interestingly enough, I had predicted the event 11 days earlier in my journal:

"What really hurts is knowing this relationship isn't going to work out and it will be entirely my fault. Even marriages where one partner is depressed usually don't work out (in addition to the already high divorce rate), let alone a few month period of dating.  I'd end it...(skipping a sentence or two)...but the idea of him kissing someone else like he kisses me, well, that thought is currently too much to bear."

You see, during the past few months I had let myself fall for a boy. It was new, exciting, and he was everything I could have wished for.

Unfortunately, the timing was, and always had been, off.  Mother Nature disagreed with our relationship from the beginning,  The day of our "first date"(aka see if we actually liked each other) we were supposed to hike up Mt. Sanitas.  There was a snowstorm that day, leaving behind several feet of snow.  It had been 70 degrees the day before.  

But it was my depression that came in and truly buried us under the drifts.  How could I ask anyone to date me when I knew I would never want to date myself?  How could anyone love me when I didn't love myself?

For a brief (personal) view of where depression gets you in a relationship:
  • I was doing some type of reverse mirroring...it's not that I was seeing what I didn't like about myself in him, but instead I saw someone I wished I was more like and, therefore (in my current state), felt extremely insignificant.
  • While I usually don't give myself credit for being creative, the stories I can create in my head are quite fantastical.  Still, many of the stories I made up where based on poor self-esteem and past hurts that I should have communicated.  
  • Then, I tried to convince myself I didn't want "the label"...but I really did want to use the term "boyfriend".  Of course, this meant I was not good enough to have the label of "girlfriend".
Still, it didn't hurt any less when the time did come to end.  It was a pain that started in my heart and then radiated through my whole body, leaving me screaming and sobbing into Pacer's fur and then my bed sheets when she had enough.  

(As a side note: Yes, it hurt worse, or maybe as much than breaking up with Steve.   With Steve there an ache, with this end a sharp pain. While I loved Steve, and will always love him, our relationship had been over for sometime before the actual split and I was no longer in love with him-some will judge me for this, and that's okay, I still love you.  This time, I was splitting from someone I was still in love with.)

This was my rock bottom.  Love had caused it.  What i once considered "girly" and below my tough, independent exterior.  With this, everything had become too much to bear.  Actually, as I was wondering to myself how I could possibly continue to take on the weight of so much pain, I realized the there was only one thing I could to do at the moment:  I prayed.  I asked Mother Nature to take some of the pain, because I couldn't handle it all myself.  Eventually, the tears stopped.  In the next few days, I grew a little stronger...and a little happier.  My darkness had cracked and was finally letting in a few rays of hope.

Part 4: Healing
"Hello my old heart
How have you been?
How is it, being locked away?
Well don't you worry
In there, you're safe
And it's true, you'll never beat
But you'll never break"


A guy once told me that he preferred to date younger women because they weren't as jaded as older women.  This comment annoyed me (as it should have) but I understand it now. Every inch, every millimeter of my heart wants to scar over, to cast itself in a black steel case and protect me from future wounds.  But...I've promised myself to live life to it's fullest.  If I shut off part of my heart, I know I could very well miss out on one of the greatest parts of life. So my heart will remain open to love and be loved.  For now though, my heart needs a break.

With that, it's amazing how quickly one realizes how strong they are when they have no other choice, when no one else is there to tell them "it's going to be okay".  When I had to start doing this for myself again, I remembered my power...and my beauty.  I also had to affirm the heck out of myself!  Constantly I was saying to myself "I love and approve of myself".  Eventually it started to kick in and, not for the first time in my life, I let go of the knot that I had tied myself, let my wings open up once again; and let the clouds sink beneath me.

After a week and feeling nearly like myself again, I finally opened up to my spiritual teacher as well, not for new information but for reaffirming what I already knew.  Sandi reminded me that even if I don't know why things happen or what will happen, that everything does happen for a reason.  It went in line with my new daily mantra "I trust the Universe".

I took this mantra "I trust the Universe" with me on my 6 hour drive to Bighorn National Forest with a dead phone, and again a storm threatened to blow away the tent Pacer and I was sleeping in at some 10000 ft.  And once again, I reaffirmed my strength, beauty (the kind of beauty you feel...despite not showering for 3 days), and power in Mother Nature.  She not only share with me her love, but I shared my love back, ready once again to share it with the rest of the world. 

"Nothing lasts forever
Some things aren't meant to be
But you'll never find the answer
Until you set your old heart free

Until you set your old heart free"
(The Oh Hellos)

This Thursday, I will be setting off on a new journey, beginning my degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling with Transpersonal Wilderness Therapy.  My first 10 days of "class" will be a Wilderness Intensive with my cohort in the the Colorado back country. 



Thursday, June 2, 2016

Steps to Adventure...Available on Amazon!



Sharing my Light: Steps to Adventure


In the past 2 weeks as I was getting ready to publish "Steps to Adventure" I was hit with a substantial spell of negativity.  I couldn't get out of my head and my own self-judgement.  This lead me to not wanting to publish my 4 years of  work (not work in the sweat and pain sense, but gratifyingly difficult work), knowing it will never be "perfect".  However, I was aware of what was going on in my mind.  Even though I felt stuck in the negativity, I could still hear my "Inner Compass" telling me it was good and even perfect in my own creativity, that I was meant to share the love and light I put into the words with the world.  And as for society's traditional definition of perfect, I nor any artist would ever share anything with others if we waited for "perfect", leaving the world a whole lot less colorful.

As I finally reflected one evening in my journal, I narrowed it down to 2 main reasons on why this negativity was falling upon me.

1)  Whenever you shine your light with the world, darkness becomes fearful and does anything it can to put out that light.  I was about to share a lifetime of trials and tribulations, lessons I essentially learned from climbing my way out of the dark.  Darkness wanted to put up one more fight, but like always, I wasn't going to let it win.

2)  While my ego has never been exceptionally huge, this was still a good reminder that I have a whole lot of learning left to do.  Just because I'm publishing a few steps of my wisdom doesn't mean I know it all. Sometimes I even have to go back and look at the steps and remind myself to practice the lessons.  Actually, "sometimes" is putting it lightly.  I constantly have to remind myself of all the tools I possess to help me live my fullest life when I am constantly growing and striving towards my best self.

And so here I am.  Finally ready, or at least as ready as I'll ever be. So without further ado:

Steps to Adventure: Your Personal Guide to Living the Adventure of Your Dreams  (Links to Amazon Kindle)


*Buy now and 20% of the total profit will be donated to Women's Wilderness!