Running
through Heaven & hell:
My
account of running through Heaven and hell, and finding God in both.
[Before I continue on, I’d like to clarify a few
things as I don’t want to offend or dissuade anyone from reading. First, I am going to use “God” in reference
to our Creator or Higher Power. Unlike
some things, this is simply the name that stuck with me from my Catholic
upbringing. I don’t care what you use:
Allah, Yahweh, Azna, Universe, Creator, or Mother Earth, whatever. As long as it works for you, the name you
choose doesn’t really matter. In
addition, I will go back and forth between He/Him and She/Her. With that, I
always hesitate to talk about God. While
I myself consider myself spiritual, I don’t consider myself exactly
religious. Plus, I think when a lot of
people talk about God, it comes as too preachy for most of us (or at least
automatically assumed as that way). My
goal here isn’t to convert anyone to believe in any different way of thinking. This blog is simply an account of my running
and exploration in reconnecting with my Higher Power.]
“The mind is its own place, and in
itself, can make a Heave of hell, a hell of Heaven.” – John Milton
As
Steve and I first walked the streets of Telluride, Colorado I texted my sister
“I think I died…” Without missing a
beat, she replied back “…and went to Heaven?” “Exactly” I said. I was surrounded by mountains colored in
majestic purples, pinks, and blues. A
mile or two away, I could make out a waterfall falling in between two of these
beautiful and massive structures. It had
just rained, so the air was fresh and sweet.
The sun was peeking out of the clouds, creating a mist around the place,
and making the town sparkle.
My only complaint? It was a bit cold. I’m not a fan of cold. However, I remembered to bring a few warm
jackets and didn’t even mind the chill as Steve and I walked around and took
the gondola up the mountain.
As we walked around more the next morning,
I was delighted to see dogs walking around everywhere, many even off
leash. I knew all dogs went to
Heaven.
I felt blessed to be able to experience
such a beautiful place. I knew I was seeing beauty that not everyone gets to,
at least not on this earth.
The next day was the Telluride
Mountain Run, with the course taking the runners through the mountains
circumnavigating the city. The morning
was sunny with only a slight child.
We instantly climbed. I was instantly
out of breath, both from the sheer slop and length of the climb, but also from
the views. As we reached the top of our
first mountain at around 13,000 ft and finally made the turn downhill (yay, I
could run!) I held in my gasp. Only in
my wildest dreams could I imagine so much beauty. I was looking down into green valleys,
crystal blue lakes, and orange, pink, and purple wild flowers. All were untouched from human hands.
To be honest, I almost cried. I was witnessing Heaven, and it was
overwhelming.
I thought to myself that it was
impossible to witness this and not believe in God. I felt so small, yet I felt Her power and
could feel Her presence surrounding me, comforting me. As I breathed everything in, I felt stronger,
happier, and content.
I wish I could have bottled that
moment.
***********************************************
Fast forward a few hours and another steep
climb, a lightning storm, and a mix of sleet, snow, and rain later.
Despite being back down to around 8 or
9,000 feet, I was running through a cold rain and I was freezing. The garbage bag I had over me did little to shield
me and I was soaked to the core. I didn’t
know where I was, having missed the 25 mile age station and having no one
around. I had no idea how much farther I
had to go until I reached an aid station, a road, a car, or anyone who could
help me. I feared I was on the verge of
hypothermia. This was not fun.
Later I told Sandi and Steve “I feel
like I’ve been to Heaven and hell in the same day, only hell isn’t hot, it’s
freezing.”
I had visions of myself curling up
under a tree, letting the cold overtake me.
But I couldn’t “give up”…not just for myself, but for all my loved ones
who could care less if I finished a race. I just wanted to see them and be there for
them.
So instead, I ran as quickly as I
could, hoping my movement would generate some heat. I started pleading with God “Just get me to
the aid station, just get me inside someone’s car.” After still seeing no signs of life I begged “10
more minutes” thinking that’s all I had left as I sprinted (at least that’s what
it felt like) down the trail.
I remembered back to before the start
of the race when I had joked as trail runners often do “even if I die up there,
at least I’ll be in Heaven”. I realized
it then that it wasn’t true. Heaven wasn’t
simply a place. More important was who I
was with, and I wanted to be with my family and friends again.
Finally, I saw the white tent. I raced up to my angels, the volunteers, and
informed them of my decision “I need to drop.”
They asked if I was sure. I was
at mile 31 with only 8 more miles left.
But I knew God had help up his promise to get me there, and I had to
hold on to my promise to live my best life.
Purple lipped and shivering, I said “I’m sure” holding out my wrist with
my RoadID with both Steve’s and Sandi’s numbers so he could call one of them to
pick me up. An angel led me to her car
and turned on the heat.
With what seemed barely to be 10 minutes,
I saw my sister’s car roll up the hill, missing her awards ceremony (she won 3rd
female) to get me. If I wasn’t still
shaking uncontrollably I would have ran out to hug her in my delight. Driving back to the hotel for a warm shower,
I was happy. I had survived, I was with
my sister, and later Steve (he got caught in a snowstorm on top of the mountain
and had to turn back with another runner).
It wasn’t until after my hot shower
and my limbs unthawed that my mind began to play tricks on me, with the pain of
regret fully kicking in the next day. I
had never planned to have a DNF on my resume.
Did this mean I was weak? What
would others think? (“That silly girl
from Ohio, did she really think she could come out here and finish?)
Classic ego talk.
Why was I now negating what I had
known with certainty before? I had
stopped the race as not to risk life, to see the faces of my loved ones. (Yes,
I know this sounds dramatic, it sounds dramatic to me too as I sit in the
comfort of my house with the bright fall sun shining through the windows.) I
realized that this time, I was about to put myself in hell, simply by listening
to my negative thoughts.
I had been there before. I did not want to go back.
Knowing my thoughts, emotions, and
actions were under my control, I did my best shrug off my negative thoughts and
harness positive energy. I still had a
few days left to explore Colorado with my sister and my boyfriend. Those days were mine to make most of.
It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t perfect. But it was a step in the right direction and
far from the destruction I may have cause myself years ago.
Upon reflection, I realized one of my
own great truths: While I can put myself through hell on earth, I can also make
it my Heaven- my place of wonder, beauty, and love.
Recently, I have come upon the teachings of Swedish
philosopher Emanuel Swedenborg who spoke on Heaven and hell. He taught that on a continuum, hell was
simply the part of the creation farthest away from the Lord and Heaven as
closest to the Lord. Furthermore, he
said “human beings themselves choose hell by consistently choosing to act
selfishly or cruelly toward others.” (http://www.swedenborg.com/emanuel-swedenborg/explore/spiritual-world/)
I considered my Heaven, what it was, and what it
was not.
Despite my love of valleys, mountains, rivers, and
all the beautiful places I have ever been to, Heaven was not merely a
place. I could, if I had to, live
without those beautiful views.
What my Heaven includes, however, is that powerful
sense of being and spirit in those amazing places. It is that sense of both oneness and
belonging that connects me with the world.
And with that belonging is the love and compassion that I can only truly
and fully feel when I am around others.
In more simple terms, my family and friends, all
the people have loved, love, and will love that makes me complete. Without them I would have no Heaven.
The last step is getting my thoughts in alignment
with light and energy that surrounds me.
When I run, I have the time and space to think about these things. The trail gives me added inspiration as I get
to breathe with nature and learn from its mountains and valleys.
While I have a ways to go in conquering my
thoughts, I realize what a blessed life I have.
I am lucky in so many ways. Every
day, I am one stride closer to Heaven.
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